Just broke up and feeling alone

[need help]

Hi everyone,

This is the first time I ever wrote anything on the internet. But I feel alone these past few days and decided to give it a try. Here goes.
I have known my ex-girlfriend for one year now and we have been living together for over 8 months now. We recently broke up 5 days ago. It is really affecting me alot, I truly deeply loved this girl and I thought she did too. Our relationship throughout the past year was good except for some fights here and there which led us to breakup twice for a short period of time (under a week). The breakups were always over stupid little things (meaningless really). But this time it was more serious. To make a story short, it had to do with her past. I asked questions awhile back and she answered them, but not so truthfully. She finally told me the truth after I confronted her and told her that my instincts were always telling me that there was issues she was not telling me. She finally told me the truth and it hurt because she had lied for the past few months. I tried to explain to her that it was not what happened in her past that bothered me, it was what happened in the present, which is her lying about it to me. You see to me the truth is VERY important to a long term relationship, and I felt that her lie broke that valuable trust we had. Anyways we are apart now and I am miserable and don't know what to do anymore. I tried talking to her 2 days ago, but she is very cold and distant. I have always been truthful with her and I couldn't understand why she could not be with me. I may be wrong, but if you truly love someone there should be no secrets betweeen one another, no matter how dark they are. She now says I need counseling to deal with my issues????, why because I believe in the truth as being important in a relationship. Worst of all, my own family agrees with her, that it was fine to lie about your past. That made me feel even worst and all alone to deal with this issue. I will not call her again, as I have to respect her decision to leave, but it does not make it any easier. Please if someone has any advise I would appreciate it.

[brande37]

First, although i personally don't mind, i think you may have picked the wrong web-site to seek advice on(this is a dream interpretation site...and as far as i can tell , dreaming doesn't factor into this at all), but like i said, i don't mind.
First of all, it is a fine line between wanting to have complete honesty in a relationship, and requiring perfection from somebody. the way i see it there are two possibly negative tell-tales in this whole thing:
First of all, i get the feeling , from the way you typed, that you are the type of person who will bring up past issues, in a current fight, turning a little fight, about shoelaces, into a huge drudge up the past type of fight. This is unhealthy in any relationship, and will, eventually cause the person on the other end of it to see arguements as a complete waste of time, versus what it could be, which is a opportunity to fix a problem...now, i don't know what exactly she witheld from you , but i do know that you can never require 100% honesty from a person, about their PAST. you do have a right to know what things they have done since you have been together, but everyone has demons in their past, and forcing someone to be 100% honest about all of them, to you, now, for your own satisfaction, is just going to force them to lie to you about the things that they, themselves are still uncomfortable with. Also, now you have set up a pattern of this person believing they have to keep things from you in order to not upset you....you have basically turned yourself into a very hard person to be in a relationship with, and almost impossible to be in a relationship with, and not lied to.
now, that is worst case scenario on your part. dont beat yourself up yet, becuase there is always a flip side of possibility.
The flip side is that you were completely in the right, and you have been in a relationship with a manipulator.
good manipulators are hard to spot, becuase they have perfected the art of being defensive. Her getting mad that you called her out on a lie could be a giant flashing indicator that this is a person who lies all the time, and this is her reaction to getting caught.Getting mad at you makes her 1.) not have to answer up to a blatant lie, because when you bring it up she changes the subject to how mesed up YOU are, and 2.) not have to worry about it in the future, because after the fight is over and you realize she never admitted any wrong or took any responsibility for her lies, you will be too scared to bring it up, for fear of the fight that will ensue, so you let it go. And she gets away with it. either way she gets mad at you for a lie that she told.Now that you want her back she is in control. The last few times you broke up, was it the same story? you were mad about something she had done, and she ends up breaking up with you?
if so, let her go; she was most likely cheaing on you the whole time, and if she's is leaving you for good now, it's because there is someone else, who has caught her eye, and she wants to be free to pursue.(or you were financially supporting her, and she no longer needs it)
those are the two worst case scenarios, she's either a manipulative liar, or you are an emotionally clingy relationship sabotager.(kinda like the male version of the girl who is always harassing her boyfriend with statements like "you think i'm fat-i know it" or "you think she's prettier than me? dont you? dont you? " and so on...eventually, the person will leave , even if you are skinny as hell, and the other girl wsn't even nearly as pretty)
most likely its not one or the other, it's a combo of the two...although if i had to guess i'd say 35% her, 65% you...that's just my instinct.
and the best thing you can do to get her back is to not pester her. shoot her a quick e-mail" im ready to talk when you are" and leave it at that for at least a week. This will make her think you've made improvements on your emotional clinginess.
if you do get back together set down ground rules of things you will not harass her about anymore( her past, or previous fights you had, which were probably coincidentally about her past)and things like that. If you fight about shoelaces, you had better not bring up anything else-keep it on the shoelaces.If you absolutely HAVE to bring up something else that has been bothering you, then well, you know that YOU were the problem after-all.
hope this doesn't make you hate me!

[christina_9]

You will find someone who understands you. You are young and that special someone will find you. I know what you feel like. Maybe you should stay a little bit busier. That's what I'm doing right now. Try working out, cooking a little more, going to dinner with friends, etc. Hanging out with friends always helps! It's normal to feel that way.




AcidReflux

[adams]

well it looks like hes having fun and not thinking about you..while your thinking about him i mean seriously which guy doesnt call his girlfriend over the summer.. move on and do not call him even though its going to hurt.. go out and just have fun..

[daughterofdarkness]

From what i read it seems to me that you may have been a little unfair, now before you get upset (cause i know most of us get upset when we're told we were wrong) just read what i have to say. I think you're overlooking the fact that she did tell you about her past, and it seems she may have waited until she trusted you enough before she told you. But then you got upset with her-when you clearly say it's not the past it's the fact that she lied. It's hard to open yourself up and tell someone the truth when you're aware that could change their impression of you. Now the fact that she was cold to you on the phone the other day just show's you how hurt she was by your reaction. I think you should call her.
And maybe next time try to live with what's happening now instead of focusing on something from the past.
I hope everything works out

[weightroomdude]

[quote=brande37;47181]First, although i personally don't mind, i think you may have picked the wrong web-site to seek advice on(this is a dream interpretation site...and as far as i can tell , dreaming doesn't factor into this at all),

Maybe he was dreaming the whole thing. LoL
P.S WOW there are a lot of cool smiley's on here.