yeah this is gonna sound messed up...

[sharptech]

i am only 17, and i am a heavy smoker (cigarettes) cancer is hereditary in my family. i crack my neck about 20-30 times a day i crack my fingers just as much, not so much lately since my left hand has been severly damaged due to a very bad night. i often feel like i might have cancer (i cant think of the word but im one of those people who always think theyre so much sicker than they actually are). anywho.... i basically know my death. i know how life in 20-30 years will be for me. i WILL get arthritis and i WILL die of lung cancer... wouldnt that make somebody change there habbits? i know i should change my habbits..but sometimes i feel like i dont care.. as if i want to embrace death as it comes...fyi..im not gothic or emo or nothing even close to that area... ive just been suffering from solitude depression for over 2 years now... what would you do if you were in my shoes right now?

[spyrogirlkim]

sounds like you need a councler to talk to.If you don't want a councler you best find someone to talk to.

[Shirah]

Sharptech....

As Spyrogirl said...you need to find someone you trust (an adult and a professional) to help you. If you are 17...then I imagine you are still in high school. Many schools have counselors now...and I would suggest that you go to him/her to talk about your depression. If you are biologically depressed....a combination of medication and cognitive behavioral therapy may help (that means..therapy to help you think differently about your experiences and behave differently so you do not allow yourself to spiral downward more so). If you are having depression over a past experience or day to day disappointments...then you still need to talk to someone. Many schools have a combination of individual and group therapy. Group therapy sometimes help those who normally isolate from others and will strengthen your ability to accept assistance from others. I am glad you recognize your need for assistance. Once you get some help...most likely those thoughts about dying...not caring...and about being sicker then you really are should be alleviated a bit. Best wishes to you dear. It takes strength to ask for help

[Imogen]

I think that it has taken a lot of courage for you to talk about how you are feeling in this mail. I have also in the past suffered with depression and I know that sometimes the littlest things are so hard as you are stuck in the place you are in and have very little energy. It just starts with a single step which I think you have done. The mail says to me that at least a small part of you would like to create a different reality for yourself. It doesnt happen overnight but if you take one moment at a time you can eventually do it.
Think about who would be the easiest person to talk to and move in that direction. Maybe you would prefer someone who can be impersonal, I am not sure what places you have where you stay but Shirah has some good options in her post.
Your habits are part of the space that you are in and if you wanted to, you could work on them when you are feeling stronger.
It is scary but take one moment at a time. Take care.
Let us know how you get on.

[nel]

you got to take that engery that your using to be negative to urself and switch it to a positive one. i know it sounds corney and all but its true, i was once like u i am 34 years old and have had bad anxiety attacks due to what the future holds. But i came to the conclusion to use that bad engery and make it positive even beening stuborn and all i decided to love my self and love the ones around me. and make my self feel good, look good and act good towards others. More i made my self feel good and treated others good. I started changing my self slowly but surly and taking baby steps in changing my lifestyle. and I am still stuggling today with new and different changes but you know what i works it really does. After i change one lifestyle and feel comfortable with it i change another. You need to believe in you be your own Strength if u cant do it for your self no one will do it for you. Thats the sad truth. But if you can take the engery and light the cigrette you can take the same energy and think of your self...worked for me.

[idgy]

Dear Sharptech.
I felt quite sad to read your post. You are only 17 and have your whole life in front of you – if you choose it. I have no idea about the circumstances of your life and the reason for your depression, but the only person who can pick you up is yourself.

You obviously feel quite morose about life, and are not bothered about staying on this planet. Lets face it, this world can be a pretty grim place at times. I have also sometimes thought that I would be happy to leave when my time comes. But in the meantime, I don’t wish or waste away the life that I have here.

I also went through a stage of depression in my life and was becoming bulimic. I remember feeling worthless and thinking that no one wanted my love or attention. Luckily, I realised this was complete rubbish. There are different kinds of love in this world and lots of people to love in different ways. I went off the work in a soup kitchen in Nepal. It was the best decision I ever made.

If you wish it, there is a lot that you can do to pull yourself out of your lethargy. Save up some money and go travelling. There is a whole world out there and billions of people in it. See some of the world – Visit the Himalayas, different cultures and people. Read books. Not just any books. Read about people who have really suffered, but have overcome their difficulties against all odds. Read ‘If this is a man’ by Premo Levi. Get out of the house. If you can, just walk in a natural setting. Try to avoid violent video games and TV. They are just not good for you.

If you believe that you will get arthritis and lung cancer, then you probably will. But you don’t have to. Your sadness is all in your mind. You can choose another life if that is what you want. I would love to hear that you have decided to take this into your own hands and pick yourself up. It would be such a waste of your precious, beautiful life to just sit and watch it drain away in illness. Take control and live your life. Life can be hard at times Sharptech, but please stay with it.

Good luck and please stay in touch through this website. I would be over the moon to hear you reply that you were going to turn your life around. My heart goes out to you.

[sharptech]

hello everyone, thanks for taking the time.

i apreciate all that was said. i have decided to cut back on smoking. but i think i have a problem with cracking my neck maybe OCD, but im not quite sure. i have also decided to use my music to releive my stress as i once did, instead of letting it become stressful. i will reply shortly with the progress i have made

thanks,
SharpTech

[breadNbologna]

hey sharptech what up bro???

hey man i really cant give you advice on how to clean up but rather ways on how not to.

first off i really know what you mean about cancer in the family.
my dad died from a brain tumor and several other realitives have passed due to this disease..
of course ive been smoking steadily since 13 and im now close to 24.
ive been depressed for years and the drugs dont help.
you get strung out and you get older.
meth, cocaine, heroin. you name it ive been there.

alcohols' still a huge demon.

i guess what im telling you is you need to take action.
not that im one to speak.
but you dont want to end up here.

[Sickofdreams]

Like everyone else has said - finding someone you can talk to is a very good start. You might also find some comfort in knowing that you're not the only one who has the type of thoughts you have. When I was going through a rough patch I became obsessed that i had an STD. I had countless tests and in the end the gyno put me on anti-anxiety medication. For me, I think the obsession grew from the fact that a close friend had been diagnosed with a STD. I felt guilty because I had been a bit reckless when I was younger and I felt that I should have been punished, not her.

It's kind of similar to your smoking. There are things that you can do to prevent cancer but also remember that there are people who smoked until they were 100! I'm not saying you should keep smoking but the more you beat yourself up about it and the more you keep telling yourself that you're going to die the more likely it is that you will get sick (in one way or another).

What would you say to a friend who was having the same thoughts you are having? Treat yourself in the same positive and gentle way.

Depression is a horrible time. But it does get better. It might take some time for you to find the thing that works for you so be patient and focus on the fact that life is meant to be enjoyable and beautiful. You'll get there.

[Jennings]

Emotionally you are suffering and have been from early childhood. The nature of your grief is such that you have the death wish which you hope will relieve this heavy burden. It sounds as if you have suffered from trauma or rejection in you developing years. Your depression is probably a form of grief at the loss of the 'self' that you could have been and you are rebelling aginst this adversity to your life. Retreating into solitude is a feature of depression but when you retreat into your cave and escape from the hubbub of society, try reaching deep down inside of yourself, deep into your most wounded feelings and try to express those either in your music or in writing. Express it in such a way as if you were telling a friend who could be the replica of yourself and who is that really nice person inside of you. Show or explain to this friend how you feel but keep a record of all that you have to say and ask yourself occasionally why you might feel this way and do not be afraid to be honest with yourself. It will help! Many others, who suffered like yourself, subsequently became successful with their lives.