Nothing like me

[ToBeAlone]

This is the weirdest dream I have ever had:

I was with my boyfriend and we kidnapped a prostitute and a dead old lady. My boyfreind raped the prostitute while I raped the old lady. Ok. Seriously weird and nothing that I would ever ever ever do!!! And nothing he would ever do!! Besides...eeeeew!! So like...in the dream, I don't fully recall raping this dead old woman, but I know I did. My boyfriend bragged about raping this other girl and blowing her head off. He wanted me to go into the bedroom to look at "all the gore" he produced. I don't know what he did with her after he killed her. In my dream, I remember taking chopped up body parts to the dumpster in trash bags and throwing them away like nothing ever happened, and I know it was my doing. It was so weird. I remember that it was as if I were feeling what that old lady was feeling even though she was dead....it was horrible. I could feel breathe on my skin...violation...pain. But it was as if I were the one that was dead. I had no remorse in my dream. All I cared about was if I was caught by the cops. I remember the immense fear I felt about being caught. They were in hot pursuit of me and I was constantly trying to keep my cool and pretend I felt horrible about it and pretended to help all I could and know nothing. At the end of my dream, the cops had dug into the dumpster and found the bags of human remains. I saw them doing it from the window of my home and I knew it was all over for me. I knew that they would come to take saliva, vaginal fluid, and blood samples from me. I somehow went ahead and took these samples myself and went outside and handed them to them and that was that. I don't know what happened to my boyfriend in this dream. Throughout the entire process of this dream, I woke up several times. Maybe three times. Each time I woke, my heart was pounding and I was afraid. When I finally drifted back off to sleep, the dream continued. Then I would wake up again and be relieved that it wasn't real, but I would go to sleep again and it would go on. It was so graphic and detailed. I remembered what everyone looked like. I remember what everything smelled like. I remember all the tiny details about the house, the yard, the porch, the dumpster, the woman. I even remember her name...it was horrible. This is nothing like me. I don't know why I dreamt something this horrible. I am embarrassed to tell anyone about it. My boyfriend, my counselor, my closest friend. I am afraid they will think I am a lunatic. I would think that if someone told me a dream like that. Then again, maybe I wouldn't since I have dreamed something this horrific.

I have been dreaming quite graphic dreams since I can remember. Even as a child. Gory, terrible, manacing things. It is really off and on. Most of my graphic dreams involve something to do with rape or other sexual violations. I don't know why. I really don't think this is my subconscious expressing some hidden desires. I don't know what it is. I want to talk to someone about it, but who? Who can help me? Maybe I really am going nuts. I am so scared as to what all of this means. Who am I really?