Repetitive dream type since childhood

[har1eyquinn]

Ever since I can remember I have had dreams of multiple versions of myself singling out another me. It wasn't too bad when I was a kid. There were only like 3 versions of me but the older I get the more me's there are. It was a lot more innocent when I was a kid too. I can remember the details of the dream when I was young because it was always the same. In some really deep forest at night. I could barely see the sky through the trees but it was definitely night. 3 little girl versions of me are in 3 different color dresses. 1 white, 1 green and one light blue. The light blue version just continues skipping through the woods. However the white dress version starts screaming at the green dress me. She starts shaking her and throws her on the ground. She starts hitting her with sticks and rocks and eventually chases her in to a box where the green dress version of me curls up in a ball and cries. The white dress version continues walking around the box pounding on it with a big stick and screaming at the green dress me. The blue dress skips past oblivious. She points up in the sky and points at the moon and says pretty and just keeps skipping. Usually before I would wake I would become the me in the green dress trapped in the box and wake up crying. Now, as I've been getting old there have been more versions of me and its gotten a lot more violent. Through high school it would be pretty brutal with a lot of me's beating the crap out of one of me. The majority of me that were doing the beating would sometimes not have faces. They started having baseball bats and other heavier things to beat the singled out me with. The singled out me always is wearing green or black. The other me's now are usually in grey. The singled out me never speaks. She always looks frightened and is crying. For several years now the dreams have resulted in the other me's killing the singled out me and its been getting more and more violent in the way they kill her. I guess its just because I'm getting older and exposed to more imaginative ways of dying.
I was just wondering if anyone had any idea how to explain this to me. I've tried looking it up and I don't get much out of it in the dream dictionaries. I see things about seeing yourself and killing your self and colors and times of day and all that but I can't put it all together in a way that makes sense. Any thoughts?

[melvincats]

Literally, you are beating yourself up. I think this dream is really just your adjusting to growing up, adulthood, maturity, etc. I am not sure what the colors symbolize...maybe the white dressed girl is your young self, your innocence, and she is mad (beating up on) the green girl because she does not want to grow up.

Now the aggressive yous are all grey. Perhaps you are learning that colorful, different, unusual are things that can be pretty squashed in adulthood. We often give up our creativity, our individuality, our uniqueness to fit in, to pay the rent, to get by. I think you are mulling this over and don't want to be "grey" or boring.

[har1eyquinn]

That makes sense. I've always wanted to be an artist. Growing up my step father would always tell me to get my head out of the clouds and think of a real career. In high school I had my art classes and I have always written but since my daughter was born I've pretty much come to a standstill artistically. I don't have the time to indulge in anything artistic. I have a kid to take care of and a job to hold down. I will still turn out a poem from time to time or a short story. I went to school to be a professional pastry chef but I realized that the hours I would need to put in seriously cramped my ability to be a parent that is really there for my child. I thought I had finally found a way to express myself creatively and still make money. I may yet do that but not until my child is older and more self sufficient.
I'm rambling. Thank you for your point of view. It gives me something to think about.

[Wolfjk]

Originally Posted by har1eyquinn

That makes sense. I've always wanted to be an artist. Growing up my step father would always tell me to get my head out of the clouds and think of a real career. In high school I had my art classes and I have always written but since my daughter was born I've pretty much come to a standstill artistically. I don't have the time to indulge in anything artistic. I have a kid to take care of and a job to hold down. I will still turn out a poem from time to time or a short story. I went to school to be a professional pastry chef but I realized that the hours I would need to put in seriously cramped my ability to be a parent that is really there for my child. I thought I had finally found a way to express myself creatively and still make money. I may yet do that but not until my child is older and more self sufficient.
I'm rambling. Thank you for your point of view. It gives me something to think about.

Hi,

Growing up my step father would always tell me to get my head out of the clouds and think of a real career

Essentially this sums up your style of dreaming. You're wrapped up in yourself and don't have enough outside interests. It is a very personalised style of dreaming.
You have a grudge against yourself for not being more assertive. You have a vision, but not the drive to achieve it! The dream is telling you to make a firm stand.
The dreams are waking dreams. The colours in the dream act like colours in waking life: when you see a bright colour it grabs your attention. Colours have a definite energy value. Thay raise your level of consciousness, and the feeling of guilt for beating the crap out of one of your egos wakes you up. It is auseful waking dream!
Cheers Wolfjk

[sailrmc]

Hello,
I think that you and melvincats are on to something. While most people might think that your dream is a bit long and too detailed I find it to be quite the opposite. I like detail and lots of it. This allows for a greater probability for specific evaluation. While the lesser detailed dreams must be looked at and explained in more general terms, therefore, they are much more difficult from which to extraponate explicit or precise meaning. I do believe that your dream type sequence is very complex and and much can be said about many individual aspects of your dreams. The way that your mind has chosen to present yoru dreams is very unique...I will explain a bit more on this in a moment.

Why do you dream the way that you dream...using the same type of dream over and over (I will explain).

While I see dreams from the view of an outsider, there is hidden benefit from this perspective. It is simply called objectivity. When one is too close to anything, and this goes for dreams, it is more difficult to be objective.
I have had the priveledge of working with all kinds of dreams from dreamers of many cultures, religions, age groups and situations. While we who are of the human species all have basically the same dreams (just because we are human, we also develop personal meanings to certain aspects of symbolism. Consequently, different situations allow somwhat diverse deviations from "universal dream symbolism" and this is where I come to your dreams and the symbolism that is used. Your dreams have taken on their own fingerprint (in a way of speaking). This often happens as the subconscious mind recognizes that the dreamer is paying attention to their dream. Since dreams and hypnotism are the only (mainstream) way that the unconscious thoughts can be readilly brought to conscousness, it, (the unconscious mind...same as subconscious mind...) must wait until it gets the dreamers attention. When it does this many times it reuses the method or genre of dreams that it found success (of getting the dreamers attention) and getting it's messages through to consciousness (or waking mind).

Hopefully you are still with me...
I know that you have not asked for all of this information but having a better understanding of why your mind is presenting in the manner that it is will be beneficial to you...I think....we will see.

As I mentioned I have evauated some very young childrens dreams and moving up in age. That which has been studied and been taught to me by various professors has held to be mostly true (in my evauations of childrens dreams throughout the years. In very young children, whose minds have not even had a chance to learn about symbols of any kind and the expected responses that situations cause, their dreams are most often comprised of colors. In studies where grown individuals are taken back to explain their early childhood dreams they are based in colors. I have also found this to be true of children just old enough to talk (whose dreams I have evalusted). As you might suspect this takes much patience and I am here to tell you that the phrase "patience is a virture" is an understatement.

Back to the subject...Each color has a basic meaning and until the young child forms ideas based on human shapes and responses they dream in colors (which tanslate out to sylbolize feelings and emotions). This is one reason why I find your dreams most interesting. Quite simply, they remain color based and deal with inner feelings that are stimulus response related (that is to say, when an action is caused, there is a response). Yours are a combination of the color based and stimulus response...this is interesting. On the next page I will explain why I think your dreams are presented in such a manner. Now, I am aware that some if not all of this sounds like jibberish but I believe that you will be interested because this is something that has plagued you for most, if not all of your life.

Because there are lengths constraints on this forum, I will continue on another reply...posting.
see you there...
sailrmc

[sailrmc]

continuation...

Cutting a bit more to the chase, I believe that you have bonded at an early age with colors. They have made a huge impact upon you. So much so, that they continue to represent your feelings and emotions. I did take time to read your response to another in between the time that I posted my first comment and I am on track as it seems.

When someone associates their feelings and emotions with the "universal meanings" attributed to individual colors they get much what you have gotten. Each color representation has it's own fingerprint of a meaning. When your mind found a way to express it's feelings at an early age, it simply remained closely associated to colors and combined them with human like responses of characters in your dreams. Instead of relationships to human traits being expressed by your mind (as most dreamers see their dreams presented... in parallel story lines to what goes on in their lives). Your dreaming mind shows colors that take "it" (whatever "it" is, out on you).

I have read (and I have found this to be true), that one reason that some people get "stuck" in early forms of dreaming (color based rather stimulus response based), the way that you have, is a result of some form of early childhood trauma or tragedy suffered. Putting it short....the young dreaming mind could not formulate an "expected human behavior" as an outcome to keep as a base line understanding, because there were likely huge inconsistancies, or mixed signals, being dealt to you at a very young age. Therefore the mind clings to what it knows best at this age...COLORS.

Many great artists, and writers did dream in colors rather than human figure and responses thereof.

Now to your dream.
Consider the following...The sky blue clad girl represents you, before you were constrained by expectations and concepts of right and wrong...She is happy go lucky and oblivious to human anger responses such as anger or envy, or even jealousy etc.
The green represents those aspects of early life that blocked your original view of a boundless universe...one that was begging for you to explore it and not knowing good from bad (human constraints to a free spirit). The white character is a bit of a challange...because white at this age typically means purity etc. but because yours was a negative character, would represent illness (either literally, OR figuratively...someone who was seen as one who did not conform to expectations of human society as introduced by authority figures (parents).
While you were a child of wonderment and discovery the (negative aspects of the colors green and white plagued you). They were demanding (as parents and humans in general are, especially in formative years. This was puzzling to you (the person so young and full of excitement, and curiousity.
The colors green and white were threatening and since you did not easily "break" (if you were ever broken at all), from your pure entre to this world you easily see these colors (in the subconscous mind) as threats, as colors who first represented ridicule in an effort to train you of the human ways... and then (symbolically they but beat you up). This early childhood association has stuck with you and now your dreaming mind (same as subonscious mind) continues this association. Having read, your first response (while I was just finishing my first half of my evaluation), I can clearly see the early associations and how they fit with what goes on today in your life. Now you are still constrained, by duties and demands of daily life. You still cling to, and long to be, that "sky blue" child of innocence and wonderment and curiousity. Once again you are held back. You long to freely express yourself through colors that express beauty, as well as all that is negative in this world. So you see...this is the artist in you. This is who you are. You express feelings and emotions through color..combined with physical form. The lack of freedom to express yourself at this time in your life, is beating you up. It is totally unforgiving.
Do not forget though...there were early years that were free from associations but they were cut short by the human introduction of responses that you did not understand...as I said, I see that they were not consistant. A smile did not mean love, happiness and satisfaction by people in your midst, all of the time. For this reason I see the meaning of your dream to be that which was not said as opposed to what I have explined so far.
I see it as a warning not to do the same things that were done to you, to your children. Give them consistancy, of emotions. Let them know that a smile is happiness, and a frown is dissatisfaction ect. Be consistant so that their a pattern is not set. Surely you can find time reward yourself, by events of self fulfillment (be it painting, art, writing, etc) because a person can only show positive love if they fee it within.
I am not surmizing that you are a bad person, but I believe that there have been some pretty unhappy times in your childhood. Your dreams all but screams this.
I hope that this has helped...
Peace,
sailrmc

[har1eyquinn]

That was a lot to try and digest this morning. I would have have replied earlier but I had just gotten up and was still in a bit of a fog hehe. I suppose I do put a lot into colors in my mind when I think about it. I have always had trouble picking up on information that is very literal, I basically color code everything in my mind.
I did have a rather traumatic experience when I was quite young. I was actually molested by a friend of my family. I can barely remember his face but I remember the mustard yellow chair he always sat in and the amber colored table lamp that was always next to the chair. My mother denied it ever happened. My father believed me and actually assaulted the friend of the family. Not too long after that my parents divorced. I always blamed myself, my mother blamed me also even though she is the one that requested the divorce. After the divorce I was molested and subsequently raped by some kids in the neighborhood I once lived. When I told my mother she again didn't believe me and I didn't dare tell my father because I felt I had caused enough trouble as far as he was concerned. I guess it was more of a series of traumatic experiences.
It seems the older I get I grow increasingly more critical of any creative work I do. I write things and throw them out, same with any drawings I do. I have always had issues with blaming myself for things whether they were my fault or not and I'm always being told by my fiance' and loved ones to stop being so hard on myself but I just don't know how.
At any rate I would like to thank very much you for your input. It gives me more to think about.

[sailrmc]

My comments will be in blue...
after reading your comments I fully understand the dreams and why they are structured the way that they are. Being very conservative in my approach and not knowing anything about you at all I missed on a couple of points.
That was a lot to try and digest this morning. I would have have replied earlier but I had just gotten up and was still in a bit of a fog hehe. I suppose I do put a lot into colors in my mind when I think about it. I have always had trouble picking up on information that is very literal,Psychologists say this is because the subconscious fixes or stops at the point of what it last knows to be factual as a result of childhood trauma, (when it comes to the way that dreams are presented). Because you were at that point of color association (as I explained, this is the way that young childrens subconscious associations to human reactions are formed...through color. I basically color code everything in my mind.Yes, exactly.
I did have a rather traumatic experience when I was quite young.I could tell this but I was rather afraid to mention what I thought to be the case. I was actually molested by a friend of my family. I can barely remember his face but I remember the mustard yellow chair he always sat in and the amber colored table lamp that was always next to the chair. My mother denied it ever happened. My father believed me and actually assaulted the friend of the family. Not too long after that my parents divorced.Yes, additional trauma and now self blame. How could you not assume blame, you did not know any better than to feel guilty...but this was not your fault. I always blamed myself, my mother blamed me also even though she is the one that requested the divorce.Yes, more inconsistancies in human behavior, you had not even had much of a chance to form a baseline of understanding of what was normal as far as showing of feelings and emotions when this curve ball was thrown at you...inconsistancies, blame, and more blame...all for something that you were not even slightly guilty of. After the divorce I was molested and subsequently raped by some kids in the neighborhood I once lived. This makes me very sad...you were a victim and blamed by the person who should have been the most trusted person on this planet (in your eyes), your mom. When I told my mother she again didn't believe me and I didn't dare tell my father because I felt I had caused enough trouble as far as he was concerned. I guess it was more of a series of traumatic experiences.This explains so much as to why the colors are beating you up.
It seems the older I get I grow increasingly more critical of any creative work I do. I fully understand why. I write things and throw them out, same with any drawings I do. I have always had issues with blaming myself for things whether they were my fault or not and I'm always being told by my fiance' and loved ones to stop being so hard on myself but I just don't know how.The fact is, your dreams are paralleling how you feel about yourself and until you find a way to find resolution with this early childhood mess you will continue to be hard on yourself.
At any rate I would like to thank very much you for your input. It gives me more to think about.I understand the negative, white color, that continues to beat you up. The white is in fact negative (I should have interpreted it as illness. No not literal in a sense that you are sick but figuratively the situation that you were exposed to was sick, it was not normal and it made you feel badly about yourself. You still feel this way...these early experiences that have been piled upon you are continuing to beat you up...every day...and any chance that they get. You can make this go away. You can learn to feel better about yourself and when that happens you will find peace, others will feel better about you because you will exude peace and happiness. As well you will spend time with children in a positive frame of mind. You will come to accept the artistic work that you do because it comes from the heart, and not relate to colors for subconscoius negative associations. Your dream is all but begging you to stop beating yourself because the beatings only get worse. It is time for healing! If you acknowledge what I have said (the fact taht you want to heal) and say it out loud before sleeping the subconscious mind will help you find peace. Your dreams will change and the road to happiness can begin. It is all up to you. Once you make a committment to resolve negative feeling you should see a change in your dreams.
Peace,
sailrmc
Now I must go purpare for a hurricane.

[har1eyquinn]

Thank you very much. I will try that. It's better when my fiance' is home. When I am alone it gives me too much time and quiet to get stuck in my head.
Anyway, thanks again for the advice and good luck with the hurricane preparation. It has been a very busy season for them.